I was asked to write an entry on relationships by a friend of mine who has a friend with a problem. The problem is her friend likes to basically emasculate her man. She makes more money than him and throws it in his face and tries to get him to feel like less than a man. Well in the words of Steve Harvey when he did is comedy special “Still Trippin” as he was talking about an email he got in what he calls the strawberry letter. “You came to the right one”! Here is the first thing I would say to her: You’re lucky he don’t leave you and if I ever met him that is the first piece of advice I’d give him. Leave her! I don’t think they are married so since that is the case leave her and leave her now. Don’t ever stay with someone (this is for ladies too) who you aren’t married to that treats you less than your value is. If you don’t know your value know that you are worth more than that. This won’t be the last person to take interest in you. Then I would ask her to think about how much company her money can give her now that he is gone.
Now let’s assume that they are married. As I said in a previous post I am not an advocate of divorce so there’s got to be a way to work through this issue. First thing I would tell them is, he should have left before they got married. She didn’t just get like this over night. There is no way she got this way overnight. That notwithstanding I ask her to understand her role as a wife and him understand his as a husband. Which is the topic of this blog: Understanding your marital roles.
Here’s what I have found no one teaches you or trains you how to be a proper husband or wife and I mean according to the word. The problem is that we only use one scripture to explain the husband and wife relationship and that is Ephesians 5:22 and 5:25. We tell women to submit and husbands to love but never explain really what that means which is why there is always a backlash with women when you tell them they are supposed to submit to their husband because men use that as a tool to be a dictator in the home as opposed to a leader in the home. So I’ve decided as God has given me revelation and wisdom to explain a little of what the roles really are supposed to be about and what they mean and I am going to start with the man. If you want to skip man’ s role scroll down and you will see woman’s role after. There is also a message to both men and women at the very end. Be Blessed and enjoy!
Man’s Role
The man that was described to me I first have a serious problem with because he feels threatened by his wife making more money than he does and that is because most likely he doesn’t understand no matter how much money she makes he is still a man. Being a man isn’t about how much money you make, it’s about leadership and the weight of the family on your shoulders. No matter how she makes God is not going to judge her first for the things that go wrong and right in the house. The man is always ultimately responsible for the home. You want some proof look at the book of Genesis and the fall of man. It wasn’t until Adam partook of the fruit of the knowledge of good and evil that God came looking for who…..Adam. Never once did he call woman. Woman was only introduced to the equation after Adam said “they hid because they were naked” and God asked “who told you that you were naked, did you eat of the tree”? Adam replied “the woman that you gave to me gave me of the tree and I did eat”. God asked question of Adam because that is who is responsible for the family man, so no matter how much she makes the burden is on your shoulders. Man up and own it. It’s your job to lead the home, teach the home, care for the home that responsibility is on you and no one can take that from you. Stop crying, saying she’s pulling my man card. That woman does that only because you let her. You are the authority in the home men, you are the shepherd that the members of that home follow. Where you go, they are supposed to follow. So she makes more money than you, be proud of her, praise her for it, make her feel like she is special and I guarantee that she won’t continue to punk you like she does because at the same time you praise her and make her feel special you assert your love for her. See that scripture we always use for husbands that says for you to love your wife as Christ loved the church, you really have to understand what that means. It means your job your role is to as Christ did. He taught the word, he gave of himself everything he had to the church to build it up and see it succeed. He died for it and forgave it even in its wrong. Don’t get it twisted though because he also corrected its wrong and told it while showing it the proper way to go. Jesus never had to proclaim out loud to people who he was, he was doing the work so well and walking in His purpose so much that His work spoke for him causing others to recognize it. I never have to remind my wife that I am the head of the home and don’t get me wrong we have our battles on occasion because we don’t see eye to eye on everything but she knows who I am and respects the authority I carry and the burden I have to face. That’s not saying she isn’t strong because she is a very very strong woman but she doesn’t try to use her strength to walk over me because I won’t allow it but I do my best to do that in love. When I talk to her I do my best not to talk to her as if she is a small child because she isn’t my child she is my wife and I owe her the respect of treating her like the gift from God that she is. When you realize and treat a woman like the gift that she is, well first you have to realize she is a gift. If you want proof for that look again at Genesis this time go to chapter 2. Adam had been moping because everything had something of its own kind to be with but him and that’s when God said it is not good that man should be alone, let us make him a help-meet. That was God hearing the heart’s cry of Adam and blessing him with a companion. How dare you as man disrespect the blessing of God that’s a slap in God’s face. Once you realize that, the walls that she has (and all women have walls because of life and its issues) will come down. The question is can you be man enough to tear the walls down? Your role as a man is to be a support to her emotion and leader for her soul. Be strong as she needs you to be and gentle when she requires it. Be to her as Jesus is to you. Speak with her and not in a forceful and domineering way, but in a gentle and loving way that will penetrate to her heart and cause her to follow you. See the reality is and this is whether women want to admit it or not, they have a desire to follow. They aren’t really comfortable being the leader because that isn’t how they are created but if you read the virtuous woman in Proverbs 31 you’ll see that a real woman will do whatever it takes to see that her house succeeds and is blessed and if that means take the lead from your sorry behind than she will do that. But if you are on your post the challenges will be few. Men you will never find anywhere in the word the bible telling wives to love their husbands all you see is husbands love your wives. Take that as a hint if the love isn’t in the marriage it’s your fault first. I don’t care if you agree or not it still is true it’s your fault first. Step up and be a man, love her, cherish her, correct her and treat her well and she will love you forever. If you do all those things and she isn’t doing her part than she isn’t for you, leave and ask God to show you who God has handpicked and crafted for you.
Woman’s Role
The woman that was described to me I have an issue with because she obviously doesn’t realize what she is doing to the marriage. Her actions aren’t that of a virtuous woman they are that of a contentious woman. She wants to cause strife by trying to assert something that isn’t hers. She doesn’t understand her role nor the importance of it or his role and how she can help herself by doing what she is called to do and that is to be a help to him. First of as I said in the opening she is lucky that thus far he hasn’t left her, the bible declares in Proverbs 21:9 that it is better to dwell in the corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house. It is said again in Proverbs 25:24. In Proverbs 21:19 it states that it is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and angry woman. If he knew and believed these verses he probably would have walked along time ago. Proverbs 31 is the famous virtuous woman chapter reading that every woman aspires to and says she is, but the reality is that 9 out of every 10 isn’t. For starters check verse 12, the bible states that she will do him good and not evil all the days of her life. Trying to emasculate him is not doing him good, trying to prove that you run things because you make more money than he isn’t doing good, trying to assert authority that God hasn’t given you isn’t doing good, it’s hurting him and the house. When you as a wife tear down your husband the head of the house it makes it harder for him to lead properly. Verse 26 tells us that she speaks wisdom from her mouth and the law of kindness from her tongue. When the words that come out of your mouth especially toward your husband aren’t kind you aren’t a virtuous woman, when you aren’t using wisdom (wisdom not only being meant as knowing what you are talking about but knowing how to convey it in a receivable manner to him) you aren’t a virtuous woman. This chapter needs to be studied thoroughly and in depth in order for you to really see where your short comings as a virtuous woman are so that you can work on them just as he should work on being a man of valor. When you are a virtuous woman you understand your role as a help meet. Go back again to Genesis (for those that read the Men’s Role); when God said let us make him (Adam) a help-meet, do you understand what God was saying? Do you understand what a real help-meet is? A help-meet is like an assistant. An assistant at any job puts in mad work and honestly gets none of the upfront credit less they are under a wise leader. But the assistant also isn’t responsible for the vision; they are responsible to help the vision along. Let me give you an example of what I mean. I was working as the assistant manager for RadioShack and I had my manager call me on my day off because the store needed coverage. I was unavailable because I had previous plans. He informed me there was no one else to cover the store. I informed him again I wasn’t available, he wound up covering the store. Now, if he hadn’t covered the store the DM’s wouldn’t have come to me and said Jesse why didn’t you cover the store. They would have gone to him and asked why wasn’t the store covered, he would have said he told me to do it and when they found out it was my day off they ultimately would have come down on him because it is his store and he is responsible for it not me. The same with a wife you are a help-meet. You are to help-meet the needs of the vision not take over and do the vision. Your job is to support him and push him as much as possible. Build him up and keep him going. When the time calls for it your job is to step in and assist not take over. See what needs to be done and help it get done and while you are assisting you are doing so only till he feels that he can take it or needs to take it back. When and or if that happens your assisting role in that area is done. My wife generally handles the finances of our home. She is good at what she does but there are times I see what needs to be done and it’s easier to take it than to explain in detail what needs to be done. When I take it I let her in on what’s going on but it’s not a fight between her and I because through the word she sees that she is a help-meet and if I go wrong I gotta answer to God and believe me that is not a good talk when the house is lead wrong. Women, the burden isn’t on you, it’s on him. So because it’s on him that is why the bible teaches that woman are to submit to their own husband. Submission isn’t being subservient or a slave to him. It is understanding that he is responsible for the home and will be judged accordingly. God commanding you to submit doesn’t mean you lose your identity, it means you put and push him up front. If he is a real man, a man of valor, a Godly man when you push him up front he will take you with him because he knows he can’t make it without you. You make it harder on yourself and the home when you try to compete for a place God didn’t design for you. I know I’ve said that like 900 times but it is true. The role of head of the home wasn’t designed for you when the man is present. If he isn’t Godly you knew that from jump and had no business trying to pursue him. If you got saved in the marriage and he still ain’t your job is to pray for him that God bring him like he brought you. You have more power than what you think you do but just not in the area you try to exert it. Every man has been influenced by a woman. Whether he admits it or not it’s true. You can influence him that is the power of the help-meet, but that power is negated when you try to challenge him for his rightful position. Real talk if you aren’t ready to let a man lead then let that man go so you both aren’t led to destruction. Look at Ester, she prepared and because she was a virtuous woman she was able to use her influence to save her people. If she had been like half of yall her people would have been destroyed and her with them. The reality is that when you learn that submission isn’t a bad thing, it’s a God thing and learn how to submit to God first, then your husband your home will be better. The ignorant part is you know how to submit because you do whatever your boss asks you to do and if you complain you don’t do it to his/her face. So why can’t you give the man you pledged your life to that same respect when he is the one that is authorized and has the ability to cause an overflow of blessing in the home if you would just do your part so that it would help (there’s that word again) him do his.
For Both Men and Women
Lastly, for both men and women understand that God has called you to each other for a purpose and a reason. He called you to submit one to another which means respect each other and prefer each other over oneself (Ephesians 5:21). If you learn how to operate in your rolls and stop competing in the home. Love God first, put him first in your marriage, put him first in your home, take your battles to him instead of at each other the bible teaches everything else will be added. Meaning the home will be in order, you’ll love each other more and more each day, and the blessing of the Lord will overtake you as stated in Deuteronomy 28:2. I say to both men and women (including those that my friend brought to my attention) in the infamous words of one of my favorite wrestlers of all time THE ROCK: “Know Your Roles and Shut Your Mouths”!
If you have any questions or comments please feel free to email me at jesse.jones@highpraiseministries.com. Remember, Grow in God’s Grace and Abide in His Love!
