Dating 104.....Personality vs Character and their value in a Relationship

Dating 104……Character vs. Personality and their value in a relationship.

Due to the many requests that come into me, I’ve decided to go ahead and do another installment blog entry for those dating and in relationships. Now being that I have done a few of these some of you may be wondering to yourself if I am some sort of guru or asking about my credentials to be able to speak and teach the way I do about relationships. Allow me to answer these first before I get into it even though I know that most of you probably won’t like the answer that you get.  I am not (for the record) a guru nor have I ever professed to be. I am not an expert by any stretch of the imagination. The things that I share with you concerning dating and relationships are things that I have ascertained over my life of dating with one failed marriage and one (now and still) successful marriage. They are bits of information that has been revealed to me through the process of dating as well as the thoughtful council of prayer and study (both natural study and spiritual study). I have counseled relationships since I was 16 years old and have a pretty good track record as it relates to helping people with their relationships. This blog WILL NOT turn into an ask Jesse column however from time to time I feel led or compelled to share some of the insight I have gained. You may take it or leave it. I do my best not to talk to the specifics of relationships because that differs from person to person. What works with me and my wife may not work for you and yours because you aren’t us. However, there are foundational principals I deal with that can be universally applied.  Now with all that said let’s have some Real Talk…..

In any relationship one has to take some time and do a relationship assessment. This is whether you are married or just simply dating. This assessment is like mid-terms in school, it is supposed to give you an indication as to how well you are doing in the relationship and what may need to be worked on. I suggest doing this alone before you make the attempt to do it with your significant other (mate or spouse). This is also supposed to help you assess (if you are dating) if this relationship is worth continuing the pursuit or not.  The biggest thing that should be assessed is what isn’t working.  Not that you don’t look at what is but the things that are working can only stay strong so long as the things that aren’t working get strengthened or understood. 

Here’s a practical (biblical) example of what I am talking about. The scriptures declare that a little leaven leavens the whole lump (Galatians 5:7-9). What it is simply saying is that it only takes a little bit of mess to spoil a good thing. If you have a loaf of bread and 2 or 3 pieces of the bread have mold on it most people will throw the entire loaf away, why, because the mold either has or is very close to working its way through the whole loaf. For this reason you want to strengthen the things that aren’t working (while yes still acknowledging the things that are).

 In this pursuit of trying to strengthen what doesn’t work through evaluation one must consider is the problem being address a character issue or a personality issue.  Here’s the difference personality is defined by dictionary.com as:   a person as an embodiment of a collection of qualities, while character is defined as:  the aggregate of features and traits that form the individual nature of some person or thing.

A person’s personality is something that can be changed (and we all have done it) over time and sometimes at the drop of a hat or whim. It is something that is created as a result of need or through learned behavior.  A person’s personality is their make-up they put on or clothes they wear that get them through a day. For example at work I’m extremely professional and usually very quiet. So the people that know me only through my secular job generally think of me as a hard working to himself kind of person. There are those who are reading this that know me that are shaking their heads as if to say they don’t really know me and that’s so true. People who know Minister Jesse know me as a very passionate, silly, in your face, doesn’t care what he says nor to whom he says it as long as it’s God’s will. They know me as a dance minister, a praiser, a worshiper, a teacher, and constantly looking to hear from God for his next step.  Then there are those who know Jesse. They know the full me, they know that each portion of those things people know about me in other arenas are only pieces that make up the full puzzle picture of me. They know that at work I’m not a praiser or worshiper (outwardly) because the professional world you can’t be praise and worship and bible all the time and keep your job. They also know that at church or in a ministerial capacity I don’t need to be quote unquote professional because those that I minister to aren’t looking to hear from someone who they can’t relate to. They aren’t looking to hear a word from someone who can seem stuck up (let’s face it profession to most people seems stuck up outside of a professional environment). They are looking to hear from someone who is willing and able to let loose and give God the best most radical praise they have. All of these things are traits about me that make up my personality. These as you see are things that change based off the need of the environment I am in. It’s not being 2-faced it’s being appropriate to the environment I am in. I love football (personality trait) but I don’t have to watch it 24/7 or even talk about it 24/7. A personality can be changed or modified based on necessity or environment. A person’s character these are a different matter.

A person’s character more goes to the heart of who he is. A person’s character deals with a core belief or value system, morals, and general ways of looking at the world. I may not praise at work but I treat people the same at work as I do in church, why, because my character is one that believes in at the very least being respectful to all people. I don’t cheat on my wife, why, because my character is one that is faithful to those whom I love. A person’s character isn’t easily changed and usually the only reason it does change is because something drastic or dramatic (whether consciously or unconsciously) happened that shook their very foundation. When challenged a person will be defiant because it is often felt that when you try to change a person’s character you try to change them. Most everyone I know wants to be accepted for who they are and doesn’t like it when someone tries to change them.

It is this distinction that must be made when assessing the problems that are occurring or the things that aren’t working in your relationship. Everything is not a character issue and everything is not a personality conflict. Once this distinction is made one must go back to the list discussed in Dating 101 and see if the issue (especially if it is a character issue) is one you are willing to tolerate or one that is a deal breaker. Keep in mind that often times something you are willing to tolerate may at first be a deal breaker but over time can evolve into something that's not so bad. When you can understand if the situation you are dealing with is a personality conflict or a character issue you can then determine how to best handle it. Don't treat a personality conflict with as a character issue and don't give a character issue the lightweight of a personality conflict. Deal with each issue seperately and accordingly and you may just save yourself a bunch of unneccessary heartache and headache. I pray that this wasn't too jumbled and is a blessing to someone and as always Grow in God's Grace and Abide In His Love!

The Real Issue

Marriage Civil Rights or Spiritual Issue?

My entry today comes with a foreknowledge that I will most likely be ridiculed by both the Christian and secular communities. I do this with the same attitude that prompted me to start this blog. All week long this week there has been an influx of ridiculous commentary regarding our president’s announcement (President Barack Obama) that he supports homosexual’s right to be married. I have heard a bevy of my colleges be up in arms concerning this decision. They began to scream how anti-bible that it is and that God’s word proclaims that homosexuality is a sin and we should not allow this and we must take a stand and blah blah blah. Here’s the reality, YES homosexuality is a sin. YES the Holy Bible calls it an abomination (of which there are many) in His eyesight. NO the decision is not anti-biblical because as you intelligently read your word, you will find that in the last days these things must be in order for the prophecies of the word to be fulfilled before the rapture. But more to me than all of that NO THIS DECISION IS NOT A SPIRITUAL ISSUE! I am so sick of everyone trying to make this a spiritual issue especially being that most of the people screaming the loudest against it are the ones who aren’t even coming close to living any part of the word of God. This issue of homosexuals being able to be married is an issue of civil rights not a spiritual issue. Allow me (if you haven’t already started cussing me out with your sanctified self) to explain and prove my point.

The first thing one has to understand in order to see where I am coming from is that God and God alone ordains marriage. All this talk about marriage is moot if you haven’t included God in the conversation. God has fashioned your mate for you just as he did for Adam. If you don’t believe that then your base is even further back than what I have time to deal with right now but my biblical backup is in Genesis where God spoke to himself and looked at Adam in his pitiful state and said it is not good that man should be alone.  With that statement God decided to fashion and form woman just for him and created her as a help meet to him. There was no wedding ceremony, no rings exchanged, no vows given to one the other cept Adam seeing her and called her woman and said you are bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh. That was the first union, now take a real look at it and see that it was ordained and fashioned by God himself. There is no scripture that I am aware of that changes what was done in the beginning so we must stick with the beginning. People have this foul ideology that marriage is an institution between one man and one woman. I say again you don’t know marriage. Marriage is a gift of love exchanged between man and God. That gift given was woman.

Now, if the gift (woman) was not given by God it isn’t marriage. So what am I saying, I am saying there are a multitude of people who have the license which was established generations later to signify and exchange of property had taken place (so the license was more like a receipt than anything else). There are a multitude of people who have it and still aren’t married. They have entered into a commitment, they have entered into a covenant with one another but aren’t married. If God has not given her to you then you aren’t married sorry to be the one to break it to you. She will be created for him and he for her. Millions of straight marriages aren’t true and real marriage but Christians don’t say a word about it. We only talk about the homosexuals and we do that because that is an outward sin we can readily identify. People don’t scream to loud about the lying pastor, or the gossiping first lady, or the mean and cantankerous evangelist, no because they can act like that isn’t them on Sundays but come across their path on Tuesday and see how they are.

There are 2 types of marriages. Marriage ordained by God and marriage commissioned by man. The marriage ordained by God is just that ordained by Him and the only rule is that He fashioned and created that mate specifically for you. With that rule there is a lot that goes in to the fashioning of you and your mate for each other. She is going to push you man to be your best, she is going to challenge you to continually become better. He is going to take you woman and lead you sometimes to uncomfortable places as God leads him. He’s going to direct you to do somethings that you may not be sure about when you first start, but understand you are fashioned for one another for that reason.  When you look at your wife can you say as Adam did, “she is bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh?” The second type of marriage which has been commissioned by man is an institution that gives rights to couples who have a signed piece of paper saying they are married. There are no other criteria than that. Man marriage doesn’t care if you are compatible for one another, if he’s the leader he is supposed to be, if she is the visionary she is supposed to be all you have to do is sign on the line and you are officially and legally married. With that official piece of paper you get to enjoy extra rights like tax breaks and hospital rights single people don’t get to enjoy. It’s these kinds of rights that homosexuals have been denied for years and they want those same rights. Though (as a Christian) I recognize their relationship is ungodly it is still a relationship and they are still citizens of a country that promises to give equal rights to all people. Now as a black man I know that equal rights thing is bull however as a black man and recognizing our struggles I refuse to not support anyone looking to gain rights that they should have just as we had to fight for ours.

Lastly I’ll say this and quit because I can feel the spiritual daggers being thrown at me. As Christians our job isn’t to force people to do or be right. Jesus didn’t force us to accept Him how dare you think you have the right to do that to anyone else. That’s the problem you are trying to change people and that isn’t your job. Your job is to present the truth and let the hearer make up their own mind. Furthermore that isn’t showing love which we are commanded to do for our neighbor as we would want it ourselves. Jesus draws with love. His word declares that with loving kindness have I drawn you. How is it that He draws with love and you try to draw with bigotry (a characteristic that is far from Godly). Then you get pissed when an atheist like Bill Maher (brilliant political comic and commentator) shows you just how not like Christ you are being. Again the Holy Bible lets us know that it’s only by our love that people will know that we are His disciples. It’s God’s job to get people to change, your job to bring the opportunity for them to change. Stop trying to do His job. Matter of fact you have enough trouble just trying to get your ownself to change let alone get someone else to change. Stop trying to deal with the dirty sock in someone else’s room when you have dead animals and faeces all over your floor. Clean up your mess and work on you before you try to get someone else to get right. The Holy Bible teaches us to let our light so shine before men that they may see your good work and glorify your father which is in heaven. No one can see any of the work you do because you got crud all over your light causing it to give a dim flicker of light that eventually will have people lost.

So yes I Minister Jesse Jones am in support of gay marriage. Not because it’s marriage because only true marriage is ordained by God. Not because I agree with or support the lifestyle because I don’t it is sin and I pray that all homosexuals come into the knowledge of Christ.  But because I support their right to choose the life they desire and the right to accept or reject God as they may or may not choose. I support civil rights period. That being said I also support being fair. I choose not to be forced to marry them whether in my church or in a park because though I support their right to do it I will not take part in it. I also choose to continue to recognize homosexuality as a sin and will continue to preach the uncompromised gospel of Jesus Christ to all including those of differing opinions, races, sexual preferences, and religions. I am a minister of the gospel and that is what I do and as such I do it with great pride and understanding of the severity of the call to which I have answered. I pray all come to the knowledge of Jesus Christ, that all be saved and none be damned. Grow in God’s Grace and Abide in His Love!

Shut Up and Listen!

Shut up and Listen!

Today’s entry has been in my spirit for quite some time. It stems partially from a lot of reaction that I heard concerning Steve Harvey’s new movie (which I have yet to see but I will) “Think Like A Man, Act Like A Lady”. I am hearing a lot of people sounding off about it. Most of whom are like myself and have not seen the movie, though again I fully intend to. They sound off because he has had a couple of failed marriages, they sound off because he’s a comedian, they sound off because they take the title to literally, they sound off because of any number of reasons. Look, here is the deal from my perspective then I will get into where this fits in conjunction with today’s entry. To think like a man but act like a lady is merely saying that women need to understand men better. Everyone and their mother agree that men and women communicate differently. This like of solid communication is what causes that multitude of barriers that we have in relationships. Steve couldn’t tell men how to better understand women because he is not a woman and can’t think as women do (in general and definitely not individually). So he wrote a book which was popular enough to be turned in to a very funny (as I hear it) movie. He incorporated his years of “playa” experience as well as experiences that helped to the falling of his prior marriages. If you look at him now; as I understand he is still happily married, he and his wife have applied some of those principals to their marriage and it is working. The advice given in book and movie form are not law but meant to serve as a guide so that women who can’t understand why they can’t maintain a relationship will have a mirror to look in and hopefully see some of themselves which is supposed to cause change in the behaviors that have negatively affected them in their pursuit. What gets me is there is a show called “Tough Love” on MTV and all this guy on the show is doing is taking women who are having a hard time dating and getting them to see what men are thinking when they see the way they act in everyday life then giving them tips to help them correct those behaviors. MTV has it and no one says boo, but Steve Harvey says it, a man who has turned his life over to God and the whole world seems as if it is up in arms about it.

What does that rant have to do with anything I may say in today’s entry? The bible teaches us to seek Godly council, it also teaches that wisdom listens to sound advice. Why is it that we (especially so-called Christians) have a hard time doing that? The bible never teaches us to look at the source but look at the words/advice given and the spirit on the one giving it when it’s given. Steve’s been divorced so he shouldn’t tell me how to be happy in a marriage. That’s asinine! Completely backwards thinking. If he understands what caused his marriage to go bad then why not try to help someone who is potentially going down the same path to not go down that path. I heard a very wise preacher say,” Do we not understand that all Christianity is, is one beggar telling another beggar where he got some bread.” You witnessing and telling your testimony is you telling how you overcame your own idiocy, escaped the enemies attacks, and corrected your bad behavior. Yet when the shoe is on the other foot we choose to scrutinize it because it pulls the veil and covers off of our mess and exposes it for what it is. Mess! Think about how much further in life you would have been if you had listened to sound words of wisdom given from someone. People like your mother or father, grandparents, Pastors, co-workers,  friends all at one time or another have tried to help your stubborn hard headed self so that you wouldn’t go the wrong way or end up in a situation that was detrimental to you. But rather than listen what did you do? You did it your way and where did it end you up at? Exactly where they said it would. The worst part is rather than take responsibility for your actions, you choose to blame everyone around you for what happened. Upset at them for trying to help you and even more upset because they were right and you weren’t. When all you had to do was listen to the sound advice given.

See advice doesn’t have to come in an appeasing package. It isn’t going to always make you feel good about your pending decision. Often times sound advice will challenge you. It will go against what it is you want to do. The problem is when that happens you vilify those that challenge your direction and call them “haters.” Half of the time the people you call haters are the iron that is supposed to sharpen your iron if you would only but listen to what they are saying and stop being upset at who it is coming from. Learn how to receive sound advice it’s for your betterment. Receiving it doesn’t always mean adhering to it but taking it in serious consideration. The problem is that we don’t ever thing that the word pertains to us or even worse we get offended because it does. Every opposition to you isn’t a hater sometimes it is someone who knows the route you are going and says hey that way won’t work here is a better way and I know this because I already tried that path and got jacked up. Take the advice given to you and pray on it and allow God to truly speak to you that way you know if what is spoken is pertaining to you and your situation or not.

It’s almost comical to me that the people who Steve mean the book for are the people who most hate him for trying to help. Just like we so-called Christians get pissed at our Pastors for preaching real life changing and challenging word that exposes us to us about us. I challenge you as of this day Shut up and Listen and allow God to reveal the sound doctrine of advice that someone is trying to impart in to you because if not the bible teaches us that a hard head (stubborn) is sure to destruction and your pride will cause your fall. Either listen and stand or don’t and fall, that’s just Real Talk. As always Grow in God’s Grace and Abide In His Love.