Due to the nature of and feedback from the last blog (Relationship Roles) I have been asked to essentially do a blog for singles that details how I would advise going about finding your mate. I will tell you that the things I state are things I have used in my personal life. These are things I have advised others (successfully) to use in their own lives. The things that are going to be outlined in this blog will probably not make sense to you as to why I would advise doing it but again it works. To do what I am outlining to do will take some boldness on your part and will probably ruin some of your dates and possibly a relationship you are currently in that you are presently happy with but one of the things you will see is I am not concerned with present happiness. I look for long term joy and happiness. It’s not to me about what this person is to me know but rather what this person can and will be to me for where I am going. With that said, let’s have some Real Talk.
The biggest problem with relationships is that people unnecessarily waste so much time in through the course of a relationship with someone who isn’t really for them. Now when I say that please know I am not talking about the people who are in a relationship with some obvious jerk. I mean the one that isn’t that bad but just isn’t for you. Those are generally the relationships that hurt the most. The reason is because we often invest ourselves in them for months and sometimes years at a time. Then all of a sudden what worked just stops working and your left to pick up the pieces of why. What I council others to do is what I am going to divulge to you now. It is a method I believe God showed me after my first love dumped me. I was depressed and lost nearly 5 years of my life mourning that relationship. I started dating others to fill the void my first love left and never could do it. Then I realized I really don’t know what it is I want. (this is the part that some will find very familiar) So I began to make a list of qualities I want in my mate. Now I am sure many of you have heard and possibly even done this but then that’s when I got a revelation that I know in my heart came from God. My list was too short and incomplete. He showed me that I need to write the vision more clearly and more specifically. Meaning if I want someone that is romantic, I was not allowed to put I want a romantic person. I had to search deeper and outline what is romantic to me, if I want someone with a sense of humor I had to outline what is funny to me and so on and so forth. I even began to outline an age range (meaning how many years up or down I was willing to date, i.e no one more than 3 years older and 3 years younger than me).
With all of that it still wasn’t enough. The revelation then told me to outline what I don’t want and use the same depth that I put into what I want. Then there was a 3rd list. This list was the most difficult. You’ve all heard of deal breakers right? Well I had to make a list of things I was willing to tolerate. In other words I’m not really thrilled about this quality but I can deal with it and not be miserable in the process. That list was the most difficult to do and it also had to be done in depth. See people forget that relationships are give and take. No one is perfect and if you are waiting for this perfect person to come and sweep you off your feet and you never have an argument or disagreement with them, then you might as well die now cus it ain’t going to happen. You aren’t perfect and there are qualities that you need to deal with too so you should allow for growth in the person for you.
Now after you have done all this, the next thing you need to do is pray. Take your lists before God and say this is what I bring to the table. I know that you know best so I trust you God. I trust you to move things around the way they need to be. Conform my will to yours that my desires line up with your desires. Say this honestly to God and truly be open to him changing your lists around. As a matter of fact you need to revisit your lists at least weekly but say that prayer daily. Every time you revisit that list be prepared to edit it. Be prepared because there are somethings you want that God is going to show you isn’t good for you. There are things you don’t want (like my wife originally didn’t want to marry a minister) that God will show you, you need. So be prepared to edit it. I advise while this process is going on that you REFRAIN FROM DATING ANYONE FOR 30 DAYS!!!!!!! This is very important, it gives you and God time together so He can begin to teach you what He has for you and prepare you like Ester to receive it. Don’t think you’re getting off scot-free. You don’t get to ask God to prepare you a mate and not have to go through the process yourself. Don’t ask for someone neat and your stanky behind can’t even wash clothes. Don’t ask for someone who can cook and you ignorant behind can’t serve a meal or wash dishes. There is preparation you have to do and that’s what this 30 days with God and your lists will do.
Now after the 30 days is up, that doesn’t mean your daily prayer and weekly time with God is over, it just simply means that you know can go see what’s out there. BEWARE OF COUNTERFEITS!!!!!!!!! You and God aren’t the only person who hears about your lists, satan hears them too and he desires to send you someone that will pull you so far from God you will never get back. His desire is to sift you as wheat and in order to do so he’ s got to send you someone that is nearly everything you ask for (he’s been doing that already that’s how you get your heart broke). He knows what you want because you talk too much. You spend your date time telling them what you been through and what kind of man/woman you don’t want. What you think he’s going to do, he’s gonna act the exact opposite of what you told him/her hurt you in the first place. So my advice, shutup and ask questions. But really you are out on a date, you may be too enthralled with the other person to go home and evaluate what you heard. So make them take a test. Yes that’s right a test. Before your date take a piece of paper and write down at least 10 questions that have to do with your lists. Be sure to gather your questions from all 3 lists. Don’t make them yes or no questions as it is too easy to guess. Make them small essay questions that will tell you about that person, throw in a few multiple choice questions too. Leave your answer sheet at home and take the test with you or have them answer the questions upon pickup.
A lot of people will be unwilling to take the test and that is fine because if they are unwilling they aren’t for you. A person who is for you and sees your value won’t mind going through a few hoops. So if they don’t like it tell them to take a walk (before or after the date your choice) and you keep it moving. Now for those that are willing to take the test, the will ask you what it is for and yes if you want you can tell them but don’t go into detail explaining it just tell them and have them take the test. When you get the test back, after the date, go home and score it. Anything below an 80% isn’t for you. I know so of yall are like but in school a 70% is still passing. Yes but 70% in school is a C grade, C means average when God does something He don’t do it average. He does it extraordinary. So why not look for just that. If they score an 80% or better continue dating them but continue asking questions from your lists to make sure they are still where you’d like them to be and more importantly where God would have them to be. Never stop asking questions and never stop giving answers. That is how you grow together.
This process is designed to reduce the risk of you being hurt. It is not a guarantee no one will hurt you, but it will limit how hurt you may get. Understand that this process is going to weed out some people you may actually like. But this is not a process that is designed to get you a Mr. or Mrs. Good for me right now. It’s a process designed to join you with whom God has for you and that can grow with you to who God is calling you to be. I’m not just made for my wife and she for me for 2012, we are made for each other as the vows say till death due us part. Which means she has to be flexible enough to grow and move as God grows and moves me and vice versa. Lots of people are great for us now, but in 2 years we’ve out grown them. This process will help you realize more about you and what you need to get together and prepare to bring to the table to help build your mate. Relationship is a growing experience and just as we are to continue to grow with God we should continue to grow with our mate. The relationship you choose is supposed to mirror the relationship you have with God, if it can’t do that you are in the wrong place with the wrong person.
If you have any questions or comments feel free to email me at jesse.jones@highpraiseministries.com. Remember, Grow in God’s Grace and Abide in His Love.
