Dating 104.....Personality vs Character and their value in a Relationship

Dating 104……Character vs. Personality and their value in a relationship.

Due to the many requests that come into me, I’ve decided to go ahead and do another installment blog entry for those dating and in relationships. Now being that I have done a few of these some of you may be wondering to yourself if I am some sort of guru or asking about my credentials to be able to speak and teach the way I do about relationships. Allow me to answer these first before I get into it even though I know that most of you probably won’t like the answer that you get.  I am not (for the record) a guru nor have I ever professed to be. I am not an expert by any stretch of the imagination. The things that I share with you concerning dating and relationships are things that I have ascertained over my life of dating with one failed marriage and one (now and still) successful marriage. They are bits of information that has been revealed to me through the process of dating as well as the thoughtful council of prayer and study (both natural study and spiritual study). I have counseled relationships since I was 16 years old and have a pretty good track record as it relates to helping people with their relationships. This blog WILL NOT turn into an ask Jesse column however from time to time I feel led or compelled to share some of the insight I have gained. You may take it or leave it. I do my best not to talk to the specifics of relationships because that differs from person to person. What works with me and my wife may not work for you and yours because you aren’t us. However, there are foundational principals I deal with that can be universally applied.  Now with all that said let’s have some Real Talk…..

In any relationship one has to take some time and do a relationship assessment. This is whether you are married or just simply dating. This assessment is like mid-terms in school, it is supposed to give you an indication as to how well you are doing in the relationship and what may need to be worked on. I suggest doing this alone before you make the attempt to do it with your significant other (mate or spouse). This is also supposed to help you assess (if you are dating) if this relationship is worth continuing the pursuit or not.  The biggest thing that should be assessed is what isn’t working.  Not that you don’t look at what is but the things that are working can only stay strong so long as the things that aren’t working get strengthened or understood. 

Here’s a practical (biblical) example of what I am talking about. The scriptures declare that a little leaven leavens the whole lump (Galatians 5:7-9). What it is simply saying is that it only takes a little bit of mess to spoil a good thing. If you have a loaf of bread and 2 or 3 pieces of the bread have mold on it most people will throw the entire loaf away, why, because the mold either has or is very close to working its way through the whole loaf. For this reason you want to strengthen the things that aren’t working (while yes still acknowledging the things that are).

 In this pursuit of trying to strengthen what doesn’t work through evaluation one must consider is the problem being address a character issue or a personality issue.  Here’s the difference personality is defined by dictionary.com as:   a person as an embodiment of a collection of qualities, while character is defined as:  the aggregate of features and traits that form the individual nature of some person or thing.

A person’s personality is something that can be changed (and we all have done it) over time and sometimes at the drop of a hat or whim. It is something that is created as a result of need or through learned behavior.  A person’s personality is their make-up they put on or clothes they wear that get them through a day. For example at work I’m extremely professional and usually very quiet. So the people that know me only through my secular job generally think of me as a hard working to himself kind of person. There are those who are reading this that know me that are shaking their heads as if to say they don’t really know me and that’s so true. People who know Minister Jesse know me as a very passionate, silly, in your face, doesn’t care what he says nor to whom he says it as long as it’s God’s will. They know me as a dance minister, a praiser, a worshiper, a teacher, and constantly looking to hear from God for his next step.  Then there are those who know Jesse. They know the full me, they know that each portion of those things people know about me in other arenas are only pieces that make up the full puzzle picture of me. They know that at work I’m not a praiser or worshiper (outwardly) because the professional world you can’t be praise and worship and bible all the time and keep your job. They also know that at church or in a ministerial capacity I don’t need to be quote unquote professional because those that I minister to aren’t looking to hear from someone who they can’t relate to. They aren’t looking to hear a word from someone who can seem stuck up (let’s face it profession to most people seems stuck up outside of a professional environment). They are looking to hear from someone who is willing and able to let loose and give God the best most radical praise they have. All of these things are traits about me that make up my personality. These as you see are things that change based off the need of the environment I am in. It’s not being 2-faced it’s being appropriate to the environment I am in. I love football (personality trait) but I don’t have to watch it 24/7 or even talk about it 24/7. A personality can be changed or modified based on necessity or environment. A person’s character these are a different matter.

A person’s character more goes to the heart of who he is. A person’s character deals with a core belief or value system, morals, and general ways of looking at the world. I may not praise at work but I treat people the same at work as I do in church, why, because my character is one that believes in at the very least being respectful to all people. I don’t cheat on my wife, why, because my character is one that is faithful to those whom I love. A person’s character isn’t easily changed and usually the only reason it does change is because something drastic or dramatic (whether consciously or unconsciously) happened that shook their very foundation. When challenged a person will be defiant because it is often felt that when you try to change a person’s character you try to change them. Most everyone I know wants to be accepted for who they are and doesn’t like it when someone tries to change them.

It is this distinction that must be made when assessing the problems that are occurring or the things that aren’t working in your relationship. Everything is not a character issue and everything is not a personality conflict. Once this distinction is made one must go back to the list discussed in Dating 101 and see if the issue (especially if it is a character issue) is one you are willing to tolerate or one that is a deal breaker. Keep in mind that often times something you are willing to tolerate may at first be a deal breaker but over time can evolve into something that's not so bad. When you can understand if the situation you are dealing with is a personality conflict or a character issue you can then determine how to best handle it. Don't treat a personality conflict with as a character issue and don't give a character issue the lightweight of a personality conflict. Deal with each issue seperately and accordingly and you may just save yourself a bunch of unneccessary heartache and headache. I pray that this wasn't too jumbled and is a blessing to someone and as always Grow in God's Grace and Abide In His Love!