Dating 103....Communication

I was recently involved along with my wife in a conversation with some friends that turned into a couple’s counseling session. The theme for the counseling session started out being how to keep the spark in your marriage but turned into a serious lesson in intimacy and communication which ironically is the exact way to keep the spark in your marriage.

I’m going to talk in terms of relationship dating but also try to parallel this to married couples as well (especially being that the type of intimacy we were talking about only married people are authorized by God to do). The single biggest reason relationships go stale is because you do. You stop asking questions of your mate and you stop listening to them. Your ability to hear your mate and push to learn new things about them is absolutely paramount to the success of your relationship. One thing my wife does a very good job at when talking to our daughter (who is not allowed to date yet) is she teaches her how to make herself attractive to a man without trying to use her physical attributes. (Men reading if I were you I’d pay close attention to this as well because the same thing applies to you). She tells our daughter that the best way to get a man interested for the long haul is to take an interest in him and the things he likes. I’m a huge wrestling fan (yes I’m a wrestling fan), it is a complete turn on that my wife can on occasion get into wrestling (especially if it’s live and especially if Randy Orton is wrestling). She goes on to tell her about how she was never a real sports fan but she knows most men are so she began to take an interest in sports, she did the same with cars, chess, and other things that people she dated at the time were interested in. Doing so gave her a strategic advantage over other females who may have been interested in her man. The advantage was that she could know communicate to him on a level that set her apart from others pursuing him. She was able to communicate to him and just as importantly as her talking (because sometimes some women can talk too much) she also was able to actively listen (which men we need to learn how to do better).

Now understand there is a difference between actively listening and just listening. When you actively listen to someone you are engaged in the conversation, your face and eyes show that you are interested in what is being talked about. Please believe that the person you are listening to can tell if you don’t want to talk about that subject they may not care that you don’t want to talk about it but they sure can tell. Your face and eyes will give it away every time. But not only do you appear to be engaged you can comprehend what is being talked about so that when your turn to speak comes you actually have something to say. Active listening is a lost art in communication. Nowadays we humor people in conversation. We allow them to speak what’s on their mind and tolerate their audacity to do so. Instead of actually hearing them and taking an interest in them. The worst thing for a relationship and the quickest way to kill it is to tolerate the conversation.

My wife is trying to teach my daughter these principles that will help her establish a great relationship with her future husband. But as I said before men, we are not exempt. We can not expect them to listen to us, watch our shows, and talk about our days when we ignore them on that level. I know more about Bridezilla (which actually is a pretty decent, funny, yet sad show) and David Tutera world famous wedding planner than I probably should. But that is because I took time to sit down and watch these shows with her. I took the time without her asking me because I saw that she was excited about them. Before I talk about my day when I see her when I get off work I ask her about hers because she had a day to. My wife is working too. As her husband and as her mate I should be interested in what’s going on in her life. Not because I am trying to check up on her because I don’t trust her no. I do it because I am genuinely interested in what is going on in her life (and yes I trust my wife). Everything in our marriage shouldn’t revolve around me nor should it revolve around her. We are in this together so we both have to actively participate in this.

The other key to communication which will help you establish and cement a great relationship is being open to talk about things you like and don’t like. I have a saying I use all the time in my house. “If I don’t know it’s broke how can I fix it?” That statement is so true. I can’t fix or change what I don’t know is bothering you, similarly I can’t know to continue doing what you don’t tell me you like. This is not just a sexual reference. This reference goes to every area of the relationship. How can you get to know what is truly apart of someone’s character and what is just a characteristic they have taken on if you aren’t honest enough to tell them what you like and don’t. My good friend and spiritual sister Dana and I were talking and she said it’s crazy how many relationships end because of unvoiced expectations. I promise you that is so true. Allow me to present an extreme case example. Let’s talk a man who was raised in a house almost as if it were straight out of the Old Testament. Let’s have that many marry a woman with a new millennium mindset. Now here’s the extreme part of the example some of you still will miss. Let’s say she comes home from work on a day he had been off from work and she finds him in their bed with another woman in the act of coitus. She gets crazy angry at him and is ready to divorce him. Throw your spiritual hallelujah Jesus minds out the window for a second. If you can place that aside; who is actually wrong in this scenario? I can see internal argument going now. Most of you will say he is wrong because he is married and shouldn’t be sleeping with someone who isn’t his wife. Some of you are probably saying she is wrong because you assume this is a trick question and just don’t want to be wrong. The rest of you don’t know and wish I would shut up and tell you the answer already. Well ask and you shall receive……..they both are wrong. There is an expectancy assumed by both parties. She assumes because of how she was raised that it is a common thing to expect your husband to be faithful. He assumes because of how he was raised that she knows he is going to have concubines. Those assumptions led to nothing being discussed and that lack of a conversation led to an expectation that was never communicated. Now I know some of yall are too holy to get with that example but look at it in your own life. A lot of the disagreements and arguments you have had with your significant other have been because you got upset at something you assumed of them but you never took the time to talk about. If you don’t communicate it, it’s very unfair to get angry about it. Communication can at times breed behavior and characteristic change. Meaning that I will cease from doing this thing that bothers you because I love you, I will also start doing this thing you like more often because I love you. These things you can do that with are characteristics. There is nothing wrong with taking away from or adding to your characteristic. You character is who you are, your characteristics are what you do.

This type of open and honest communication is the door to phenomenal intimacy. That type of intimacy (married couples) will lead to greater intimacy and passion in the bed room as well. Remember your intimacy isn’t just in the bed room. Intimacy has a great little saying with it. It is said that intimacy is simply in to me I see. That isn’t just the bedroom that is the living room, the car, the amusement park, on the phone. That type of intimacy keeps the spark in the relationship and will ultimately keep it going. If you are dating that type of communication will spark desire or just as important will cause you to realize this person is or is not for me which then allow you to move forward with little reservation or cut it off more quickly so that you aren’t wasting your time or your heart. Communicate and listen actively and see if your relationships don’t get better. God bless you thank you for reading and as always Grow in God’s Grace and Abide in His Love!